The complications I find myself in sometimes are absolutely draining. Why is it that we can't be content in our minds to find happiness in every situation? Why does my boyfriend dislike me? Why do I tell him i hate him? Why do we fight? I've come to a place in my life where I have created a new road. I have about thirty minutes before I am either forced down the new road or able to go back to the old. It all relies on immigration now. Who knew I would get myself in such a mess. The fight we had was painful and deliberate. We both dislike each other so much sometimes that we get in emotionally abusive fights that sometimes turn out a bit physical. Well, that is exactly what happened 2 nights ago. What we were fighting about? everything. Every little thing imaginable. From toe nail clippers to who said what to I love you, to I hate you. Madness!
Why on earth would two perfectly normal human beings treat each other this way? I'm not a psychologist nor an anthropologist. In fact, I am a ski instructor. We both are. I tend to get weary about my job, though I do love it and find it fun, I suppose I get bored sometimes. But that is in my nature. I think I would get bored with anything I do. That is unless of course I figure out my life calling and run with it. But honestly, how do we know exactly what we are meant to do?
One of my dear friends from California suggested i talk to her mother who is an astrologist. Well, talking to her was really uplifting. She told me I was meant to do something in communications. Which appalled me, because I am quite shy by nature and speaking in front of people is not my forte, in fact my palms get all sweaty and my face all red. My upper lip begins to glisten with sweat and all my energy drains into panic. Well, she said writing was another form of communication. So here I am, giving it a go.
For the past three summers, I have been teaching skiing in Australia. Since the hemispheres have opposite seasons, I have been successfully making enough money to travel and survive as a ski instructor. In the northern hemisphere I teach in Vail, Colorado. The situation has brought back my love for skiing after a strenuous childhood as a ski racer. My family isn't the typical type to just let talent go to waste, so wanting the best for me they sent me away to ski race. Well, that has its ups and downs of course. Being a teenager full of emotion and curiosity my path seemed to lead me away from this dream. I left in an uproar of depression and drugs and continued to self medicate until into my early twenties. Not knowing where to go or what to do I started teaching skiing and waiting tables after dropping out of college due to my addictions. The partying continued and I felt stagnate and helpless. I finally moved back home and started saving money and chilling out a bit. One of my girlfriends knew the situation I had been in. Lost and depressed trying to fix things. She called me and asked to meet me in Spain. I bought a plane ticket that day and after a few months I flew to Madrid to meet her. We travelled all through Spain working on farms, housekeeping, and exploring. To this day it is still one of the best times of my life. It helped me to heal and get through some of the difficult past karma's that haunted me. She was an amazing friend and I will always cherish her for this ticket to a better life. She helped show me the way. After we parted ways in Ireland I continued to travel Europe by myself. Visiting friends in Norway, where they learnt how to speak English through American films. Visiting friends from home stationed in Germany divulging ourselves in shots of tequila with a German hockey team while people streaked down the streets and by mistake getting on the wrong train to Frankfurt where no one spoke english. Making friends in the famous Venice, Italy and being swooned by the greasy Italian men. Taking a speed boat to Croatia and arriving in a beautiful crumbling city, so picturesque that you wish you could stay forever even though I was lost without accommodation and couldn't communicate with a soul. Finding my way south and island hopping on the pristine waters and swimming in the warm waters with new friends and short romances. Getting on a bus just short of change and meeting someone who treats you like their own daughter to help you out. Facing lost love in England and getting arrested for having pepper spray that your dad buys for you, because how else will you protect yourself from the ugly horrors of the world? They suggested a hairbrush and sent me on my way… I finally made it home and everything started to set in. I was back to square one. But I was different. I had changed and grew in ways I hadn't known were possible. I also felt anxious. What was I supposed to do now? Well, it had been decided my friend and I were moving to Colorado. We moved out there after touring the west coast a bit and got jobs in Summit county at the amazing Arapahoe Cafe. I decided to go to school in Denver at Samadhi center for yoga. So I made the move to Denver and we found an awesome house that we adored in Washinton park. Samadhi was not only a place where i learned a new trade, but a place that gave me new tools for life and I continued to work through my troubles with my past. My friend was so supportive and loving. Unfortunately, we had a bad fall out and soon after i left to teach skiing in Australia. Since then I have been doing the back to back seasons.
I met Tom my first season here, and he was like a burst of sunlight shining through the dark shadows of my past. We had such an amazing time together being ourselves, traveling around, discovering our own secret paradises and making plans for future fun. I went to a Vipassana retreat for 10 days in silence and I couldn't take him off my mind no matter how hard I tried. He seemed to tie into my happiness and for the first time in a long time I felt honest true love. He was like a bright light that stepped into my life that had this loving carefree way of being. I found myself going through plenty of emotions through these ten days. Crying at times, laughing others, and finding myself severely unsettled. But when I thought of Tom i felt grounded. Happy to have found him.
The fighting started when we tried to get visas to work in Canada. I was late in applying so I was out of luck and decided to go to Vail to work. Being separated from each other created all sorts of anger and jealousy that tore us apart. We broke up for the season but found our way back to each other and went to Vail together. We still fought about everything. And here we are, still fighting. So how I ask, do you find your way back to the happy easy going life that you had with each other in the beginning. We are crazy about each other, but we can't seem to keep the sanity intact. What do I do when I find out which road to take? It may be time to let go of him unfortunately. I suppose only the future will tell.
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